The cost of keeping the peace

I feel as is I am missing chances to write down what I see....so often my eye is drawn to a small something...like a leaf illumined in a particularly brilliant way, and I stop to take in the beauty. I think to myself, “I want to capture this moment of beauty.” but then I am hands dirty and in the middle of picking beans. I can’t always stop. But what disturbs me is I rarely stop. I mean RARELY. It should be the other way around. It should be rare that I don’t stop.

I also want to write to Ka again and begin writing poetry once more with her, if she’ll have me that is. I can feel my spirit slowly starving to death with the busy work of life. Rushing here, dashing off there, I rarely sit down with my notebook or laptop and just write. When I reflect on this I can feel the sharp pain in my soul. My fear is I will slowly suffocate that still small voice wants to give words to the beauty seen all around. I’m afraid I will harden my heart in this hurried lifestyle and choose death by starvation instead of choosing life. It is possible to do this. Easy to do this in fact.

Sandeep would be pleased because this is productiveness in his eyes. It is not that he wishes me ill. No, he loves me, I know. But to him, life is to be walked though with bold, purpose-full steps. Work, in Sandeep’s mind, is checking off the list, slogging through the cleaning, paying the bills, reconciling the credit card statement to the penny. Sandeep’s vision is practical, logical, black and white. It is what runs businesses and corporations. The stuff of successful folk.

To keep the peace I try to fit into his vision. But I can sense it isn’t working. I can feel myself rebelling. It is not that I don’t value and appreciate this world view because I really do. Sandeep keeps a roof over our head and food on our table. But the gift of seeing the beautiful, of capturing the intricate pattern of a fragile spiders web or the sacred humbleness of an earthworm...these things also are needed in the world.

I think I need to talk to Sandeep about this. I know he will probably feel defensive. He will go back to our age old fights over who cleans more and organizes better. How can I argue against cleanliness, I can’t! It is next to godliness, is it not? But then again, seeing with the eye of a poet is GODLINESS...it is not next to it, eh?

I am going to make a pact with myself. I am going to write a small poem at least a day for a week. If I struggle, so be it. At some point the struggling will cease. It’s like a baseball player’s hitting slump. If they give up on themselves they will quit baseball and never achieve what is in their heart. But if they just trudge through, if they just keep plugging along, they will break out of the slump. They will find their swing and batting eye again. So it is with a writer. All they must do is write and the rest will fall into place.

OK. I WILL do it. NO excuses, no would of, could of, should of’s. Just do it, damn it!

I received an e:mail message from the daughter in law of a friend of mine I met when I was in prison at Carswell. I've pasted it below (removing identifying names) because I wanted to record how horrible people are treated in prison. Just imagine if you were taken in the middle of the night, not told where or why you are being moved...all your earthly possessions are left behind. What you are told is, "There is something in your file". You are allowed one phone call and after that you can't call or have person to person visits for at least 30 days. You have no books, no physical contact with anyone. You are allowed three showers a week. Other than than, you sit in a cell. If you're not terrified I don't think you let yourself imagine this treatment...

Anyhow here is the e:mail about my friend.



I am forwarding you a copy of the email my husband just sent out to family members. Linda was moved from Carswell this week, and Mike just got a call from her this evening. (In a later message I found out she was sobbing and she is a very emotionally strong woman!) She is being isolated from everyone at present and has nothing to do. No books, no TV, and the phone call to us will be her last phone call for 30 days unless they see fit to move her into general population. I think her morale is pretty low right now, and I am sure she would welcome a letter from you if you have the time to write to her. We just found out this week that the court has set a date of July 6 for her resentencing which has us all concerned. See below for her mailing address. I'll try to keep you posted...

Thanks!



her son's message....

I just received a call from Mom. She is in CCA again. She is presently in "administrative isolation". No contact with the general inmates. She will not be allowed another phone call for 30 days, except to her attorney. Only 3 showers per week. I will be able to go and visit her on Wednesday by closed circuit TV only. They informed her that they have 7 business days to review her files and determine if she is fit to be with the general inmates. They tell her something in her personal file is different this time. It must be related to the "label" the BOP gave her. She is very frustrated and scared. They said they would bring her a library book and a Bible, but have not yet. I am not sure she can receive books, so don't send anything yet.

Why do I share this on a blog? because it happens in our country and she is an elderly woman who I personally know and love. It's how it usually goes, isn't it? Unless we know and love someone who is in this situation or another type of unjust situation, we just don't know or really care. I know it's not because we don't want to care but it just doesn't pierce the emotional firewall we put up till it's someone who we've let behind the wall.

So I write about my friend because the injustice happening to her, the nightmare that she lives out needs a voice. I don't want her story to be lost.

Please know she is one of MILLIONS in this country who are part of the prison system. They are housed like cattle, moved around like cattle and in a sense, are thought of as cattle. Certainlly not thought of as human beings with needs and fears and feelings.

I will for all of my life remember these words from a Latin American theologian, Juan Luis Segundo who said, "The least human being has absolute value and hence an absolute right to be loved whatever the price may be."

Friends, if we do not live by this creed that every human being deserves to be loved, we are doomed. We may have the resources to ensure a comfortable life but mentally, emotionally, morally and spiritually we will die. What a hollow existence this is!

First steps are always the hardest

Beginnings it seems are always hard. There is a bit of fear getting ideas, dreams, thoughts, feelings put into words and outside the safe confines of my mind. It seems once they flow from my heart and mind through my fingers and onto the page, they wield more power to change me. They seem to demand to be heeded and I can not so easily "forget" or ignore. And so I take a deep breathe, close my eyes and dare to begin.

I watched a Frontline special last night with Sandeep, my husband. In it a daring Muslim woman from Pakistan chronicalled about the growing civil war in Pakistan between the Taliban, and the US backed Pakistani army. What unnerved me was the use of children...5, 8, 10 year old children who are recruited and used as sucide bombers. I remember the words of Martin Luther King, JR as I watched.."Violence only will beget more violence." It seemed never before were these words more clearly proven than in the interviews of the refugees, the poor young men sent to the radical Islamic schools where they memorize the Koran and are taught to hate, taught to fight.

I asked myself perhaps the all important question, "WHY?" Why do they hate us so? What would prompt a person to committ sucide and have their last and final act in this world be to kill as many innocent people possible, The only answer I could come up with was POVERTY. Oh yes, there is the issue of brain washing, of following one's conscience...Of making this a "God on our side" rigteous fight.

I am dozing off...it's late. I will sign off for now. stay tuned...more thoughts will come